The topic of donor conception is one in which myriad uncertainties meet: about the appropriate uses of new technologies with regards human life, about the how these technologies may be changing the way we think about family relationships (and how these relationships may be changing irrespective of such technologies), about the relative merits and problems that accompany the not-always-compatible concerns regarding openness, privacy, identity, choice, welfare and so on. These are all intersecting issues that have been and continue to be addressed by academic commentators in terms of relevant theoretical frameworks, ethical imperatives and also empirical investigation. In this highly useful and enjoyable contribution by Nordqvist and Smart, we have the findings from a project of the latter type, the authors having spent time interviewing twenty-two heterosexual and twenty-two lesbian couples, as well as thirty grandparents of heterosexual and lesbian couples, on their experiences of donor conception.

The book begins and ends (Chapters 1 and 8) with reflections of a largely theoretical nature, situating the authors’ own findings, as well as the larger picture with respect to donor conception, within a framework that will be familiar to readers of Smart's work in particular. What constitutes a ‘proper family’ in this context and how donor conception affects family life and kinship must be placed in the broader context of kinship and family studies, and at both levels these are in no sense fixed but are rather matters of on-going reflection, negotiation and construction for everybody involved. The six short chapters in between these helpful bookends examine these issues in detail, eliciting sometimes fascinating responses on subjects such as how in various and different ways parents and grandparents come to terms with the basic fact that a donor conceived child is not the genetic offspring of both (social) parents. Some of what Nordqvist and Smart find confirms what is already well-known from previous studies: that heterosexual couples tend to regard the need for donor conception (especially when it is donor sperm that is needed) with a deep sense of loss, mourning and sometimes shame, where-as lesbian couples often regard the need for donor help much more positively. Other matters may have been guessed at, but it is illuminating to see here a systematic approach to collecting and reflecting on them. For example, we meet non-genetic grandparents who struggle, not only with kinship and notions of a ‘child of the family’, but with what might arguably be regarded as the more straightforward issue of sexuality. In the case of heterosexual couples using donor conception, grandparents reportedly often find it difficult to know how best to support their children without exacerbating sensitivities regarding ‘manhood’ and ‘womanhood’. In the case of non-genetic grandparents to a donor-conceived child of a lesbian family, some perceive their own status as precariously dependent upon the relationship between their child and child's partner; still others struggle also with the very fact that the availability of donor conception forces them to acknowledge that their own daughter has chosen to raise a child with another woman.

On the ways in which donor conception both exploits existing family fault lines and also finds new ones, this book is especially illuminating. There are sad stories here of family members refusing to acknowledge donor conceived children, but also happy ones of parents, grandparents and wider family members finding out to their surprise that this child, that was created in such as way that an intrusion of foreign gametes was originally experienced, is loved and cherished all the same. Since the study includes couples who have used known donors through informal arrangements (mainly the lesbian couples interviewed) as well as identity-release donors under the terms of the 2005 regulations (who will remain anonymous until the child is legally eligible to apply for identifying information at the age of eighteen), there are reflections also on experiences of how the donor him- or herself fits into or is excluded from the family picture. Again, impressions elicited from the interviewees to a large extent confirm previous studies that have presented the donor in terms ranging from almost nothing at all, to the status of a ‘ghost’ in the family that may be friendly or decidedly unwelcome (some interviewees spoke fondly or affectionately of an unknown donor, while others reportedly felt they would do violence to the person who donated gametes), to a real person in the fullest sense (being a family-friend or relative in the case of known donors), which brought a wholly different set of possibilities and problems.

For me, it is a highly welcome feature of this book that it takes a light touch on the ethical imperatives that, for many commentators on donor conception, are inextricable from the topic. There is no preaching here about the merits of openness, honesty, the importance for parents to tell their children about their genetic origins, the importance for education or counselling on matters relating to sexuality, or legal reform to prevent (say) male sperm donors from interfering with the family life of a lesbian family that they helped to create. The lack of such overtly policy-directed discourse may frustrate readers who take a feminist or a donor-rights position, but what there is here is intelligent and informed reflection on how the interviewees themselves have come to work on the relevant issues, how their own uses of metaphors relating to genes and the contribution of donor gametes have been shaped by their experiences, and how this work reflects on family life and kinship more widely. The authors acknowledge that this being a small study it is important to resist overdrawing its conclusions, and there are voices that we do not hear here that would have added value. It would have been interesting for example to hear responses from single women who have used donor conception, from siblings, half-siblings, aunts and uncles etc., or even donors themselves. However these voices will have to wait for another study. In the meantime, Relative Strangers makes an invaluable contribution to an on-going (possibly interminable) discussion.