By Himself is a timely book that addresses a subject which, with a few notable exceptions (for example, Bennett, Reference Bennett2007; Davidson, Reference Davidson2002; Moore & Stratton, Reference Moore and Stratton2002), has been neglected in the social science literature. Population censuses from more developed countries consistently show that, contributing to their comparative rarity, older widowed men are far more likely to remarry than are older widows. However, marriage and remarriage rates are decreasing within all age cohorts. The book is timely, therefore, not only because more men are becoming widowed in later life, but because in parallel with other age groups, they are less likely to remarry than previously. There is something of an urban myth that when bereaved, “women grieve, men replace”, the latter part of that aphorism principally because of their perceived inability to cope alone. Indeed, there is ample evidence that widowed men have poorer physical health and are more prone to depression and suicide than married men or widowed women (Mulholland, Reference Mulholland2010). However, at all ages, newly single men have higher depression and suicide rates than partnered men (Mulholland), and generally, older men have poorer health than older women (which is why on average, older men die at an earlier age). Those men who outlive their usually younger wives will have the odds stacked against them. Nevertheless, these statistics and perceptions need to be viewed within a socio-cultural context. This is what van den Hoonaard challenges us to do in this highly readable, insightful book based on open-ended, in-depth interviews with 26 widowers over the age of 60 in North America.
The book comprises four parts: Part 1, chapters 1 and 2, “sets the scene” and offers the theoretical underpinning of the work. Chapters 3 and 4 in Part 2 examine the unexpectedness of men’s new situation and the early days of widowhood. The third part, chapters 5, 6, and 7, focuses on their changed and ongoing relationships with their children, with women, and with friends. In Part 4, chapters 8 and 9 discuss accounts of the practicalities of everyday living, such as taking over and mastering the tasks and chores customarily carried out by wives. Chapter 10 provides a succinct conclusion.
Overall, Deborah van den Hoonaard demonstrates that rare gift of combining academic scholarship with accessibility. Sociological theory can prove impenetrable, but she explains the function of symbolic interactionism in clear and jargon-free language. In chapter 2, she tackles the slippery subject of masculinity and old age. The study of masculinity is a relative newcomer to academia, covering subjects such as hegemony, sexuality, violence, race, and gender relations. Until comparatively recently, older men were ignored: indeed, emasculated, or at best neutered (Calasanti & King, Reference Calasanti and King2005; Meadows & Davidson, Reference Meadows, Davidson, Calasanti and Slevin2006). What has been little understood is how older men call on their innate notion of masculinity to make sense of their experience of aging, and in this case, their widowhood. Thus, van den Hoonaard’s analysis unpacks the “explicit” gender relations with her as a female interviewer, and with other women, in their lives, and the “implicit” coping mechanisms and control over the widowers’ situation. The theme of these explicit and implicit masculinities runs through all the chapters including emotional, relational, and practical aspects of coping.
The author highlights the general understanding that a husband does not expect to pre-decease his wife, and if it does happen, he finds himself in totally uncharted territory. Most of the men interviewed here talked movingly of the care they gave willingly, lovingly, and stoically to their ailing wife, but even for those who knew the inevitable outcome, the transition to widowhood was a shocking experience. The widowers discussed the support received in the early days after their spouse died, finding it sometimes overwhelming, sometimes insufficient. If there is any hint of “how to” in the book, then it can be found in chapter 4: anyone in contact with newly bereaved widowers can feel at a loss as to how to react or help in the early days. Therefore, the narratives of these men provide some insight into ways their friends and family might provide support without stifling the men as well as to provide sympathy without patronizing them and diminishing their sense of manhood.
In chapter 4, on renegotiating relationships deals sensitively with the dramatic realignment with family members, especially adult children, friends, neighbors, and importantly, other women. The role of adult children is complex and gender differentiated, and to some extent, there is “role reversal” in terms of emotional and practical support provided by their offspring. Interestingly, after the early period of bereavement, many of these men said that their children’s families should and must come first, and reported that after an initial closeness, the relationship settled down to its status before the death of their mother. Once again, the men felt it important to take control of their lives, and their narratives were peppered with the male stoicism “you’ve just got to get on with life”.
In many ways, chapter 6, “Women in the Lives of Widowers”, is the fulcrum of the book, upon which so many balances depend: personal, emotional, practical, and financial. The issue of establishing and maintaining new partnerships permeated the interviews with all the men, even those who expressed no desire to have another relationship. As van den Hoonaard comments: “My interviews with widowers reinforced the commonly held belief that finding a new woman is an intrinsic part of widowhood for men” (p. 84). There were positive accounts, unhappy encounters, and cautionary tales but of overriding importance was the need for companionship, with or without sexual intimacy. A solution for many was what has been termed “Living Apart Together” (LAT) (Borell & Ghazanfareeon Karlsson, Reference Borell, Ghazanfareeon Karlsson, Arber, Davidson and Ginn2003) whereby the “couple” can go on holiday together, enjoy outside entertainment, visit friends, and so on but maintain their own homes, financial independence, and sense of self (Davidson, Reference Davidson, Vincent, Phillipson and Downs2006).
The final part discusses the everydayness of domesticity, and here, the men manifested most fully the control and self-control which reinforced their masculine identity. In order to ameliorate the loneliness, they kept busy, got out of the house as much as possible, organized a routine, did something useful – anything but sit around. Some who had carried out intensive care for their wife reported a sense of freedom, but also the loss of the routine of managing both their lives. Those widowers with deteriorating health often had no choice but somehow came to terms with their reduced activity and “made the best of it”. Not all embraced domesticity willingly, and the perception that household tasks were women’s work persisted. Nevertheless, many were proud of their culinary and housekeeping skills and viewed them as confirming their competence in managerial and organizational abilities.
The conclusion reflects well the overall tenor of the men’s narratives and pulls out the thread of fundamental masculine identity for this cohort of men over the age of 60. The author speculates on how the more modern man – more overtly caring, more involved with domestic tasks – might fare in similar circumstances. She cautions us that the changes, especially to fundamental masculinity, may not be as dramatic or as rapid as might be supposed, and that younger cohorts will not be very different. They are likely to tackle some problems differently (e.g., they might rely more heavily on prepared food), but these “new men” will still resist being “feminized” by carrying out women’s work from necessity rather than choice.
The strengths and weaknesses of the book reflect those of qualitative methodology in general. A great strength is the insight to be gained from By Himself through hearing the words of older widowers: I felt I knew all these men and could relate to them, recognizing many aspects from my own research and the older men I interviewed. Statistical analyses give a big picture, but not the individual, crucial brushstrokes. Our lives comprise a complex composite of experience, character, and social and physical environments which influence our decisions at crossroads or crises. Qualitative researchers recognize and celebrate such individual difference, and this book is a very fine example of the method. Nevertheless, it must be recognized that a sample of 26, self-selected, articulate, largely healthy older men – who filtered out what they were not prepared to talk about concerning the more emotional aspects of their experience of widowhood – cannot give us the whole picture. There are some extremely sad, sick, broken men for whom life without their wife is barely tolerable, but of course they would be unlikely to participate in such research, and we do not hear their story. I would like to have seen a more overt reference acknowledging this omission. So at first sight, the subtitle The Older Man’s Experience of Widowhood might seem somewhat overstated. However, van den Hoonaard, a highly experienced qualitative research academic, makes no such claim, nor does she present the work as a “how to” guide but rather as a “how it is” comment on a sample of older widowed men who have agreed to be interviewed.
The book’s major strength is that it presents an unsentimental but sensitive view on an under-researched topic. It is clearly written, refreshingly jargon-free, and should appeal to a wide audience interested in gender and aging, and/or are involved with people who have been bereaved; such an audience would include students, academics, professional practitioners, voluntary workers, clergy of all denominations and religions, and importantly, the widower and his family. The book represents an important contribution to our better understanding of men’s experiences in later life, and I highly recommend it.
