KRAPUS: Hey, Klaus.

NIKLAS: Krampus, we've been having a debate for some time, and I promised this girl that you would set her straight. She says she doesn't believe in Santa! Can you believe that?

KRAMPUS: Well, let's not be too judgmental now. I'll tell you what, why don't you run and get me a mojito while she catches me up on your conversation.

NIKLAS: Oh yeah – I wanted a mojito too. I'll be back. [Niklas exits]

KRAMPUS: So what have you been discussing?

FAITH: Klaus has been telling me that Santa really exists, that he lives at the North Pole, and delivers presents to boys and girls when they're good. I've been trying to set him straight, to tell him that none of that is true – that none of it makes sense. I mean, you don't really believe that do you?

KRAMPUS: Well, you have to understand… and I'll try to be delicate here – Klaus's thoughts on the matter are not that sophisticated. He's not up on all the latest arguments and views, like me. He believes what the common Clausist believes, but not what the intellectually sophisticated one believes. So really, by attacking Klaus, you've been attacking a straw man.

FAITH: I don't think that's fair.

KRAMPUS: Why not?

FAITH: Well look. The straw man fallacy is committed when one distorts their opponent's view, into something that they don't actually believe, to make them easier to attack. But I wasn't distorting his beliefs. He actually believes those things – as do, by your own admission, most Clausists. My arguments may not apply to the position you hold, but you can't accuse me of attacking a straw man if I was attacking the positions held by the majority of Clausists.

KRAMPUS: Sure I can. The positions and arguments of the average person on scientific matters couldn't hold up to academic scrutiny, right? But could you validly criticize science by criticizing their views and arguments? I think not.

FAITH: But there is a major flaw in your analogy. The average person is not an active participating member of the scientific community – so the faultiness of their positions would have nothing to do with the legitimacy of science. But the average Clausist IS an active participating member of the Clausist community, so how am I strawmanning?

KRAMPUS: The average Clausist is a child.

FAITH: But that doesn't make their belief true, or immune from criticism.

KRAMPUS: It just makes you mean.

FAITH: Since when did arguing for the truth become mean? Don't we all have a duty to stand up for the truth?

KRAMPUS: Not if someone else doesn't like it.

FAITH: Are you kidding me? What do you believe as a sophisticated Clausist anyway – that Santa has a belly that shakes like a bowl full of gourmet jelly? How do you make sense of how Santa can know if you are good or bad before you are and it still be the case that you do so freely.

KRAMPUS: That's a great question. Here's how some explain it. Santa has a list of all possible children – how every possible child would behave in every possible circumstance. Santa has divided this list, right down the middle, into naughty and nice children. And he knows whether to give a child presents because he knows which possible child each child is, and which side of his middle line they are on. We call this middle gifting.Footnote ¹

FAITH: I don't see how that solves anything. In order to know what possible child a kid is, he would have to know how that child will behave in the future. Knowing what possible child a kid is would be equivalent to knowing the future actions of that kid. This middle gifting ‘solution’ assumes that Santa has foreknowledge, when the fact that he does is what presents the problem.

KRAMPUS: Well, what would you suggest?

FAITH: You should do what I do with God – simply get rid of his foreknowledge because you can't solve the problem. You should be an open Santaist.

KRAMPUS: Is that like being a swinger? Because this isn't Renaissance Venice and you can't just…

FAITH: [Cut's him off] You'd say that Santa isn't really all knowing – or, at least, that certain things are not yet true for him to know. He doesn't know what you want – that's why you have to ask. And he doesn't know for sure how you'll act before you act – he can just lay down really good probabilities about how you will act, and prepare accordingly.

KRAMPUS: I don't see how that would work.

FAITH: Why?

KRAMPUS: Well, there are so many kids performing so many actions, with so many possible consequences and possible counter actions – in order for Santa's knowledge to be worth anything – in order for him to be able to use it to prepare adequately for his Christmas deliveries – his degree of confidence in the kid's behavior would have to be so high that it would be virtually indistinguishable from certainty. There wouldn't be enough wiggle room for free will. Free will requires alternate possibilities – but if the probability of me acting otherwise is only as likely as winning the lottery – that doesn't really seem to be a robust enough alternative possibility for moral responsibility or free will.

FAITH: Good point.

KRAMPUS: But if you are looking for an argument for Santa's existence, consider this: even though you don't believe in Santa, you have an idea of him in your mind right?

FAITH: I guess.

KRAMPUS: Well, Santa is the greatest gift giver possible, right? But clearly, anything that exists only in your mind isn't as great as something that exists both in your mind and in reality. So, your idea of Santa – the greatest gift giver possible – must be an idea of an existing being. So you contradict yourself by saying you don't believe in Santa but that you also have an idea of him.Footnote ²

FAITH: That argument is so bad, Fox News would be ashamed to make it. First of all, it misunderstands what it means to have an idea of something – my idea of Santa doesn't have the property of being a gift giver. My idea can't deliver presents. In addition, it misunderstands what it is to believe that something exists. When I believe that something exists, I don't ascribe the property of existence to it – I simply believe that something that corresponds to my idea exists in the real world. Besides, don't you have an idea of the greatest conceivable island and...Footnote ³

KRAMPUS: [Cuts her off] Well if you didn't like that argument – you're going to love this one. The existence of Santa is at least possible right?

FAITH: Maybe.

KRAMPUS: Then he exists!

FAITH: [Reluctant pause] …  Do I have to ask you to explain that?

KRAMPUS: If Santa is possible, then he exists in one possible world right?

FAITH: Right… and lucky for you, I too am familiar with possible world semantics.

KRAMPUS: Well, Santa is the greatest possible gift giver – and he can't be the greatest possible gift giver if he only exists in one possible world, right? I mean, clearly, a gift giver that exists in all possible worlds is greater than a gift giver that only exists in one. So Santa, if he exists, exists in all possible worlds.

FAITH: [Suspicious] OK?

KRAMPUS: Don't you see. If Santa is possible, he thus exists in one possible world, but by definition then he must exist in all possible worlds – so I can say that one possible world contains a being that exists in all possible worlds – namely, Santa. And since our world is a possible world, Santa must exist in our world.Footnote ⁴

FAITH: Santa's possible so he's real?

KRAMPUS: If only you understood the intricacies of modal logic, you'd see the argument is sound.

FAITH: I do – and maybe that is not so lucky for you – because that argument is just silly. The only way I would grant that Santa's existence is possible in the way that you suggest is if I already believed he existed in the real world. I mean, if Santa really would exist in all possible worlds, including ours, if he was merely possible, then you would have to prove that he exists in our world before it was reasonable to believe that his existence is even possible. If Santa's possibility entails that he exists, then you have to show he exists to show that he is even possible.

KRAMPUS: Uh…

FAITH: I mean, I only tentatively agreed to the possibility of his existence with a very vague sense of the word ‘possible’ in mind. But then you invoked robust possible world semantics. So you are either equivocating, switching what you mean by ‘possible’ in the middle of the argument, or you're just begging the question. I mean, that's just Plantinga's ontological argument – and I know that it's a horrible argument.

KRAMPUS: Yeah, I know.

FAITH: You know? Then why did you bring it up?

KRAMPUS: Because if you were convinced by it, it would have converted you. I don't mind using arguments I know are bad if I think they might be persuasive.

FAITH: Well that sure seems…

KRAMPUS: Wait a minute. You don't like Plantinga's argument? I thought Plantinga was a major player in philosophy of religion. He taught at Notre Dame for years!

FAITH: He is… and he did… but none of his arguments in favor of theism are any good.

KRAMPUS: Then how is he a major player?

FAITH: It's complicated.

KRAMPUS: Do people like his arguments because of their conclusions, instead of liking his conclusions because of his arguments?

FAITH: Uh… [changing the subject] Well, what I want to know is why Santa only delivers presents to spoiled western Christian kids whose parents have money, instead of truly to all the good boys and girls of the world?

KRAMPUS: Well, what if Santa is not all powerful? What if he can only manage to make a limited number of presents, even with his elven assistants?

FAITH: He only has eleven?

KRAMPUS: No, elven!

FAITH: Is Legolas one of his elves?

KRAMPUS: [Irritated pause]

FAITH: It's elfs.

KRAMPUS: [Pretending to ignore the comment] If Santa is just doing the best he can, we can't blame him that some kids miss out. Besides, it's only due to Santa's generosity that ANY kids get presents. Rather than faulting him for not giving to everyone, we should be focusing our praise on the fact that some children are graced with his gifts.Footnote ⁵

FAITH: Wait, it sounds to me like you've changed your definition of Santa to avoid the issue. Rather than deal with the fact that your belief system contained a genuine problem, you simply depowered your deity in order to weasel out of it.

KRAMPUS: What's wrong with that? I couldn't solve the problem. Besides, this view of Santa is much more like the original views about him – St. Nicholas wasn't all powerful, he couldn't make unlimited toys – he just got to those he could.

FAITH: Even if St. Nicholas existed, I don't see how avoiding problems by going back to outdated ideas really solves anything.

KRAMPUS: It makes me feel better.

FAITH: What else is different about your sophisticated Santa beliefs?

KRAMPUS: I don't think he really [singing] sees you when you're sleeping, knows when you awake, and knows if you been bad or good... [stops singing] at least not in the conventional sense.

FAITH: That's a pretty central doctrine you have rejected. Isn't that in one of your sacred hymns?

KRAMPUS: It sure is. That's why I still say I believe it, but what I mean by it is totally different than what the kids mean.

FAITH: Isn't that a bit disingen...

KRAMPUS: [interrupting] Look. The truth is… The sophisticated Santaist, like me, understands that Santa is not really a person who lives at the North Pole and delivers presents. Santa exists – but in all of us. He is the spirit of giving that exists at Christmastime. Naturalistic Santaism is a mature, reasonable understanding of Santa that even the most learned individuals can get behind. It removes all the magical mumbo jumbo and keeps the essence of love and goodwill toward man that was the core of Christmas from the beginning. The fanciful stories are simply a way of spreading the message to children and the uneducated. But wise Santaists like me don't need crutches like that.Footnote ⁶

FAITH: That's horse-crap! You're not a Santaist! A Santaist is someone who believes in Santa, and Santa is a person who exists and delivers presents to kids. You have defined Santa into non-existence so that you can continue to say that you believe in Santa, when you really don't. And it's all so vague and amorphous, it can't even be falsified. You've probably even convinced yourself that this is what kids have really believed about Santa all along, and only recently has ‘literal belief’ crept in and corrupted the system. But the truth is, if you said that, in plain terms, to any kid who believes in Santa, they would break down crying! ‘Spirit of giving’, my ass! You don't even believe what you say is true, actually is true.

KRAMPUS: Sure I do – it's just true in a different way. It's ‘mythically true’.Footnote ⁷

FAITH: What does that even mean?

KRAMPUS: The stories about Santa contain ethical and moral truths – an overall message – that resonates with me.

FAITH: The Lord of the Rings contains a message and morals that resonate with me, but I don't go around saying it's true! It seems like you're just desperate to use the word ‘true’ to describe what you believe.

KRAMPUS: Well, how is what I'm doing any different than what I have seen theologians – big name theologians like Moltmanand and HartshornFootnote ⁸ – and an endless numbers of pastors do? They have basically defined God away into an idea, or a state of mind, or a spirit of giving or love – and have even convinced themselves that this is how people always believed in God. But their beliefs are meaningless, unfalsifiable, and so unorthodox that if they told religious people, in plain language, what they actually believed, they would be run out of town on a rail! If they told people from a few hundred years ago, they would have been burnt at the stake! They would be considered atheists!

FAITH: Right, that's why they don't say in plain language what they believe. You don't just throw the ‘A word’ around at cocktail parties.

KRAMPUS: But that's so disingenuous – and dangerous! Do you know how much suffering has been caused by religion over the years?Footnote ⁹ The crusades, the inquisition, Salem, 9/11… not to mention, how it has helped stifle social progress on issues like slavery, racial equality, gay rights… and don't get me started on how it has, and does, old back science education. And then there's sitting through church every Sunday. And do you know how much legitimacy religion gets from these people merely professing to belong to the group? After all, I've actually seen the average believer avoid giving a philosophical defense of their religious beliefs because they just assume these religious academics have successfully answered every objection, and that you can just assume or trust whatever they say. Yet not only are their arguments bad, but these ‘experts’ don't even believe the same thing as the average person!

FAITH: [Sarcastically] Well, why do the average believers think the academics believe the same thing?

KRAMPUS: Because the academics say they do!

FAITH: Oh yeah.

KRAMPUS: It's possible that harmful religions would have died out long ago if intellectually respected individuals hadn't propped it up by pretending to believe in it. And that's not good! Some suspect that the only way we will survive as a species is if we eliminate religion before technology advances too far – before it becomes possible for religious fanatics to easily acquire weapons of mass destruction.

FAITH: You're one to talk about dangerous beliefs. Teaching kids to believe in Santa Claus teaches them that they should act morally to get a reward – not for its own sake, like they should. Not to mention the trust issues it can cause when they learn that their parents have been lying to them for years, and the fact that they are literally being taught that they should believe things without evidence. So many parents are teaching their kids to ‘not question and just believe’. How intellectually irresponsible is that?Footnote ¹⁰

KRAMPUS: Look. The truth is, I just say I believe this stuff to get along in society – to not be ousted by my friends and family. Do you know how people who don't believe are treated out there? My parents would disown me, my wife would divorce me, my friends would ridicule me, I'd lose my job.

FAITH: You'd get fired for not believing in Santa Claus?

KRAMPUS: No, but my mall might go bankrupt. Belief in Santa really pays the bills!

[Niklas returns]

NIKLAS: I've got the mojitos! Did he set you straight, Faith?

FAITH: No, [matter of fact-ly] he admitted that the Santa only exists as a spirit of giving – not as a jolly fat man who lives at the North Pole.

NIKLAS: What? What! Krampus, is this true?

KRAMPUS: Well, you see… it's more like… see, it's truthful that Santa exists because the idea that Santa exists is something that brings meaning and makes us better and…

NIKLAS: Oh my God! You don't believe in Santa! [Starts crying] I'm drinking your mojito!

FAITH: See, Krampus… I told you.

NIKLAS: [gathers his composure] Look. I'll grant you that the Santa story is a bit… out there. A bottomless sack of toys, magical flying reindeer, walking on water, rising from the dead, talking snakes and donkeysFootnote ¹¹… wait, sorry. That's you... What was I getting at? Oh yeah. Look, you want to know how Santa does what he does? I don't know. I can't explain it. It's just magic. There are some things that are meant to remain mysteries.Footnote ¹²

FAITH: How do we know which things are supposed to remain mysteries?

NIKLAS: They are the things we can't make any sense of but want to believe anyway.

FAITH: Ah.

NIKLAS: Look, my belief comforts me – it enriches my life. I like believing that someone is watching over me – keeping me accountable. Maybe it's an elaborate lie, constructed by others – and those who perpetuate it, know it is. Maybe the story doesn't make logical sense. Maybe the acceptance of the story is a historical accident. But why can't I just have faith?

KRAMPUS: You're offering personal, pragmatic justifications for your faith. I can do even better. My high ranking social status – which I've obtained as a direct consequence of my role as a religious figure – allows me the fame and wealth to do good in the world. If people need to think they're ‘doing it for Jesus’, who cares, as long as hungry people get fed?

FAITH: Do you really think feeding some hungry people can make up for the inquisition?

KRAMPUS: Wait a minute, shouldn't that be my line? Which one of us believes in Santa again?

FAITH: Hold on – what is that, up in the sky?!

NIKLAS: Is it a bird?

FAITH: Is it a plane?

[A circular aircraft descends and lands gracefully on the beach. A door opens and a slender figure with a large head and eyes and greenish skin emerges and walks purposefully up to the pair.]

RAY THE ALIEN: I can't take it anymore. I've been listening to you know-it-alls for as long as I can stand. [Deep breath] There's no such thing as Santa and there's certainly no such thing as God. The sunset? The Christmas presents? The answered prayers... that was all me! I did that.

FAITH: And the miracles?

RAY: Most of those didn't happen – people are stupid and see what they want to see. But the few real ones – yeah, that was me.

KRAMPUS: [mouth agape] Are you a god?

RAY: [Hands on hips, impatiently stopping a foot] No I'm not a god! There's no such thing! My name is Ray Arthur and I'm a nice guy – who happens to be an alien with technology that, to you, is indistinguishable from magic. I can't believe three supposedly intelligent adults would choose to accept the convoluted explanations you do to account for things you don't understand, and twist yourself into logical knots trying to defend these silly beliefs. Instead, you should just accept the much simpler explanation – that aliens did it! At least you have good reason for thinking aliens exist!

FAITH: [Pauses] Well, if you're not a god...

RAY: Wait a minute... are you all Florida natives?

NIKLAS: Then die!!!

[They all take out concealed weapons and start firing wildly at the Alien, chasing him back to his ship.]

FAITH, NIKLAS & KRAMPUS: Stand your ground! Stand your ground!

[A 5 minute X-Men-like action sequence commences, with awesome special effects. The alien goes through extensive efforts to dodge their bullets and not be killed and makes it back to his ship.]

RAY: [Panting, back in his spaceship, speaking to himself] Well Ray, I guess you learned your lesson. When someone asks if you're a god – you say, YES!

[Faith, Niklas and Krampus stare in silence as the alien spacecraft departs. But then the image of them pixelates, and we pan out to see a child, sitting in front of a computer, minimize the image into a map on a large screen.]

YOUNG BOY: [Laughing] Fools!

VOICE IN THE DISTANCE: Billy, time for dinner.

[Little Billy shuts down the computer-simulated world he created.]