Curtain. On the stage there's a row of about forty heads, of natural size, on a long and narrow white board roughly chest height, arranged facing the audience with equal spaces between them from near the left end of the stage to near its right end. The heads are all identical apart from two features. First, the leftmost head is completely bald, the rightmost head has lots of hair on its scalp, and the amount of hair on the heads increases gradually and uniformly from left to right, so that it is hard to discern a difference between any two consecutive heads. Secondly, the colour of the heads changes from bright red on the left to bright orange on the right, again so gradually that it is hard to discern a difference between any two consecutive heads. Apart from the row of heads the stage is empty, with dark background.
Indistinct voices are heard from behind the stage. From the left enter five people and stop in front of the beginning of the head line. Leading the group is an experimental philosopher (Eph below): somewhere in his thirties, in a white gown and glasses, a clipboard in his left hand. He has graduated not too long ago and this is probably his first senior position, he is enthusiastic about his research and naïve in his expectations. He is convinced everybody will be equally impressed by the light he takes himself to have seen, and he would never have anticipated any different response.
Following him is an impressive man somewhere in his fifties, who looks as if he has a very senior position in an important bank or in a firm with offices around the world etc. etc. We shall consider him a Business Man, BM. He often looks at his watch.
Next comes a younger man in his late twenties (YM), an energetic, positive chap, although not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and next to him a rather attractive but not too sophisticated woman in her mid twenties (YW). He is obviously more interested in her than in the experiment.
Closing this small pack is a woman in her mid sixties, who is somewhat difficult to define. Let us say that she looks as if she might well be what several aunts of Kenneth Grahame's Famous Toad ought to have been. We shall accordingly dub her Toad's Aunt, TA.
EPh: Okay, welcome everybody, and thanks for agreeing to participate in our philosophical experiment. What we are trying to do here is to clarify the logic of some concepts which we call ‘vague’. Before we start, I'd like to express my gratitude to the Worldwide Association for Scientific and Technological Education, or WASTE, which is generously funding this experiment. But let's lose no time, and get straight to work! As you can see, we have here a row of heads, in which the rightmost one over there has plenty of hair on his scalp – a real Jimi Hendrix, ha ha! – while the leftmost one here has none – our Kojak. Never mind their colours, that's for a different, although related experiment. So I think we may safely say that the leftmost head is bald, while the rightmost one is not. Would you agree with that?
(They look at him with some puzzlement, the businessman a bit taken aback, the others hesitatingly nod. He writes something on his clipboard, evidently pleased.)
Eph: Great! So here's what I'm going to ask you to do. Don't worry, nothing too complicated or difficult. (He explains slowly.) What I would like you to do is to walk along the line of heads, starting with the leftmost one, and for each head discuss whether it is bald or not. After you have reached a decision, you should …
BM: Pardon, but I really don't think you are asking us such a complex question that would make a discussion necessary. I mean, it's obvious that these ones here (he gestures with his hand) are bald while those over there are not, so we can proceed to the next stage.
Eph: Oh, thank you very much, thank you, that's an interesting observation, and an important one as well. Of course I don't mean to imply that I disagree with you in any way, but I do wish to emphasize that for the purposes of the experiment we are conducting, an agreement of the entire group on the classification of the heads is absolutely necessary.
BM: Well, this is surely not a problem. I'm confident the ladies and gentleman here (turns to them) would agree with the way I described these heads! (They nod, the man shrugging his shoulders to express obviousness.) So we can clearly continue to the next question.
Eph: I am pleased, of course, that there is this initial agreement between all of you; this might be a great help later in the experiment. But, as a matter of fact, there is no next stage. All we are interested in in this experiment is this agreement between you all, but we need it to be based on each of you supplying reasons for the classification of each and every head, and all the rest considering these reasons as valid.
BM: (Puzzled.) Excuse me, but I might have missed something. What reasons exactly are you talking about? That is, we can of course see who is bald and who is not. You must obviously have something else in mind. Perhaps I missed something in an earlier briefing?
YM: Sorry to interrupt, but there actually was no earlier briefing or anything. You weren't late to anything. And I also have no idea which reasons he is after. (Turns to Eph) Look, mate, I'd also appreciate if you could say a word or two on what you have in mind, because I'm afraid I didn't get it either. (YW nods)
Eph: (Obviously in dire straits) Er … er … um … Well, you see, this is a problem … If I do that, I might inadvertently reveal some features of the experiment that we intended you to remain unaware of … so …
BM: Yes yes, this is all very fine, but if you wish us to know what we should do, I don't think there is much choice about it.
Eph: Well, I presume you are arguably right …
BM: I apologise, but I really cannot see any other option. So please go ahead. We don't have all day, you know. (He looks at his watch.)
Eph: All right. You see, since you are of the opinion that these heads are bald while those there are not, you must also hold, on grounds of conceptual consistency, that somewhere along the line there's the first head which is not bald …
BM: Now really! Can't you see that they are getting bald gradually!?
Eph: Aha! (Very pleased with the logical point he takes himself to have observed.) So then there must be the first head among those that form the sub-series of heads that gradually become bald! Surely you are logically compelled to grant me this!
BM: This is getting ridiculous … Asking me which head begins to begin to become bald … Is this meant as some kind of joke or something? I apologise but I must say that so far I can't but feel as if I'm wasting my time … Every minute here costs me money, you know – money that would have been taxed to support your experiment, mind you! My daughter implored me to participate in this because she thought I hold the philosophy she studies irrelevant to anything in the real world, and she promised me that I'm wrong and that philosophers today rely on experiments and that this project of yours is on the cutting edge of the new philosophical methodology and so on and so forth; but for all I can see it only supports my earlier suspicions!
Eph: No no no! Your daughter is absolutely right! We are indeed in the process of transforming philosophy from idle armchair ruminations into an empirical science! That is why we are interested in your actual conceptual judgments, and that is why I am asking you to participate with your colleagues in forming a reasoned consensus on the status of each of these heads as regards the applicability to it of the baldness characterisation.
BM: Well, I have said what I have to say: these are bald, those are not, and they turn bald gradually. And as you don't have anything else you would like to ask us, I think you don't need me here anymore. So thank you for allowing me to participate in your experiment, and I wish you success with your further work. Goodbye. (He leaves)
Eph: No, wait, hang on, hang on! Oh, that's awful … (Short Pause. He turns and looks at the others.) I'm terribly sorry. I hope you don't share his views … I can assure you that this is highly respectable work that is highly regarded by some of the leading philosophical authorities today. Don't worry; we can continue without him, it's not a problem at all. I'll just have to make some recalculations for the statistics. I hope you don't mind waiting a couple of minutes … I can assure you that it won't take long, just shuffling around a few numbers. You may consider the heads in the meantime, to get ready for the experiment. (He turns to his clipboard.)
(The young man and young woman are talking to each other, unheard by Eph, while he is calculating. Toad's Aunt is listening to them with visibly growing distress.)
YM: Well, what do you make of this business?
YW: I don't know. It does look a bit strange, don't you think so?
YM: Yes, sure, it really does look a bit strange.
YW: I mean, why should a clever guy like him be asking us such silly questions? I'm sure there's more to it than meets the eye. Don't you think so?
YM: Absolutely. I'm sure you're right. There must be more to it than meets the eye.
YW: I've been thinking, there might be a catch somewhere. You know, they make you look for one thing but then something else is what is really important, and you never notice it. And he did say earlier there are some things they didn't want us to know. Perhaps he's trying to mislead us and there's something about these heads he didn't tell us, which he wants to see if we notice or if it makes us say the wrong thing, or something like it. What do you think?
YM: Yes, that's a good point, I didn't think of that. You're absolutely right. We should look out for the catch. … You know, I've got an idea what we could do. I mean, you don't really care which heads are bald and which aren't, right?
YW: Are you kidding? I couldn't care less!
YM: So why shouldn't we tell him each time he asks us if a head is bald that it is, never mind how much hair it has, and while we say that we keep an eye on him and see how he reacts. This way he won't trick us into anything we don't notice, and we will get the better of him.
YW: (somewhat sceptical.) Are you sure it will work?
YM: Sure, he won't be suspecting anything and he'll somehow or other play into our hands and let the catch slip out. I'm sure you're right and there must be a catch somewhere, because I've also heard of similar things done to people in other experiments.
YW: (curious and anxious.) What did you hear? What kind of experiments?
YM: Well, the brother of a friend of mine went to the university to study… physiology, I think, and he told us they made this experiment where they show people all sorts of things, and whenever something is red they give them an electric shock …
YW: Oh! I don't want to be given any electric shock! If that's what he's up to, then I'm leaving right now!
YM: No, no: I didn't mean he's going to give us shocks. I'm sure he isn't. In that experiment they were connected to some machine with all sorts of wires. And besides, even then these were really mild shocks, he said, that can do you no harm and which you hardly even notice.
YW: But why were they giving them shocks at all? What's the point of that? What were they trying to prove?
YM: I think he said they managed to prove that afterwards, each time these people saw something red, even a post-box on the street, they started to sweat.
YW: Well, I don't like the sound of it. I don't want to sweat each time I see a bald man on the street, but it seems that that's the only thing that can come out of all this experimental philosophy! I really feel like saying thank you very much and goodbye.
YM: Well, actually, I'm feeling just like you, and I wouldn't mind leaving myself. In fact …
Eph: (He has finished his calculations, and turns back to them, with his usual artificial cheerfulness, but with less patience than earlier.) Okay, we're done! Everybody ready? (They stare. No reply.) So let's run again through what I'd like you to do. You should go along this line of heads, starting with the leftmost one – Kojak, as we earlier called him – and for each head you should discuss whether it is still bald or not. Each of you, after she has made up her mind, should say…
YM: 'Scuse me, but I thought I'm supposed to participate in this as well.
Eph: Of course you are! Why should you think otherwise?
YM: Well, you've just addressed only the ladies, you know.
Eph: No I didn't.
YM: Yes you did: you said that each of them, once she made up her mind, should do I don't know what.
Eph: So I did, but I was also referring to you.
YM: But you said she.
Eph: Of course, and by that I meant you as well.
YM: (Starting to lose his temper, but also puzzled.) You mean you called me ‘she’?!
Eph: Yes, I did, certainly.
YM: Now look here, d'you think that's funny or something?
Eph: (Who has realised his intellectual superiority, and is assuming appropriate airs) Not at all. I meant it completely seriously.
YM: Well you can keep this serious language to yourself and your weird heads!
YW: (Puts her hand on his arm, talking quietly.) Calm down, don't worry: I'm sure it's part of the experiment, this strange talk. Remember I told you they must be trying to keep us busy with one thing while actually checking how we respond to something else? So that must be it!
Eph: (Who has overheard her) I can assure you that I am not trying anything of the sort, young lady. I simply talk the way I think I should, and I think you should talk that way as well.
YM: (Sarcastically) Next thing you'll be calling her ‘he’!
Eph: I do that all the time, and so do you!
YW: I beg your pardon!
YM: Now you watch out! Insulting me is one thing, but I won't take any of these lies!
Eph: I have said nothing which is not absolutely true, and both I and you have often referred to her as ‘he’, and so we occasionally should and so I shall continue to do. By occasionally calling you ‘she’ and her ‘he’ I make my contribution towards making this world a better place!
YW: You can talk about me or anyone else however you like, but I won't stay here to listen to any of that. All I have to say is thank you very much and goodbye! (She turns to leave.)
YM: And the same from me. Thank you very much and goodbye! (He turns quickly after her.) C'mon, let me take you somewhere nice, with no crazy experimental philosopher to bother us with his bald red heads. (They leave.)
Eph: (Shouting after them as they leave.) Yes, you may leave, and you may continue with your corrupt speech. I don't need you and I can't help you. (Points to himself.) And this crazy philosopher is going to stick to his bald red heads!
(He turns to Toad's Aunt; she is terrified, he is out of his mind.)
Eph: You!
TA: Yes?
Eph: You understand the instructions, right?!
TA: Yes sir, of course, sir.
Eph: Fine. So what should you do?
TA: I should ask the others which heads are bald, sir.
Eph: (To himself, after a momentary pause.) Stupid cow! (To her) Now come with me (he grabs her sleeve). This head (the leftmost). Is it bald?
TA: Yes sir, of course sir.
Eph: Good. And this one (next to it), is this one bald as well?
TA: No sir.
Eph: What? What d'you mean by that? How can't it be bald?!
TA: Sorry sir, of course sir, it is bald, sir.
Eph: So why did you say it wasn't bald?
TA: I didn't look closely enough, sir. It is bald, it is completely bald.
Eph: (Points to its few hairs.) But how can it be completely bald if it has hairs?!
TA: No sir, you're right sir, of course it can't.
Eph: So is it bald or isn't it?
TA: (At a loss. After a moment's hesitation) I'm not sure, sir. What do you think, sir?
Eph: What do I think? How dare you ask me such a question?
TA: Sorry sir, but you know these things much better than me. I'm sure you've learnt a lot in your university about these heads. You know what, sir, why shouldn't you write down the correct answers, and we'll simply say these were my answers? No one will ever know of it, I can promise you that, my lips are sealed. I'm sure this way you will also have much nicer results for your experiment, and everybody will be really pleased.
Eph: You ignorant woman! It's your answers that I need! The answers you'll give me, in your ignorance, these are the answers that will help us in solving our philosophical problems! These are the answers that will turn philosophy into a respectable science! So now tell me, and be careful how you answer, this head (the second one again), is it bald? Think!
TA: I think it is bald.
Eph: Fine. Why?
TA: Why?
Eph: Yes, why?
TA: Why not?
Eph: Why not? (He throws the clipboard and grabs her collar with his two hands.) Reasons! I need your reasons. Your judgment should be grounded on contextually sufficient subjective justification! Do you get that?
TA: Yes sir, of course sir, conte … conte … contextural subjectifation, sir. Oh look, look! (She points to the farther end of the head row.) They are all losing their hair!
Eph: (Releasing her.) What? Where? What's going on? Who's losing its hair? (He hurries to the farther end.)
TA: (Running out.) Help! Help! Experimental philosophy! Save me from experimental philosophy!
(Eph stops dead in his tracks, then turns slowly and looks after her. Quiet. He realises that all is lost. After a while he starts talking slowly to himself.)
Eph: Fools. They are all ignorant fools. They couldn't understand the importance of all this, the significance, the deep implications for human thought, for human rationality … I am selling them gold, and they think its worthless brass … I offer them celestial philosophical harmony and they pay me back with their shallow, presumptuous, dissonant chatter … I can't take any more of that, I don't want to hear them (puts his hands on his ears). No, I don't want to hear them. I cannot, I cannot … I won't listen to any of this… (He continues to mumble indistinctly to himself, his hands on his ears, till the end of the play. He walks slowly to mid-front stage and sits down, cross-legged and looking at the floor.)
(From the right enter the two drunken philosophers, leaning on each other.)
DuPh1: Look, my fellow philosopher: hairy heads, many beautiful hairy heads!
DuPh2: Oh no, my philosopher friend, bald heads, look, bald heads. Dozens of gorgeous bald heads!
DuPh1: (Offended.) But you look here. You see, they are hairy, they are all hairy heads.
DuPh2: (The same.) But you, you look there. They are bald, can't you see? They are bald!
(They look at each other, on the verge of crying. Suddenly the light shines on them.)
DuPh2: Some are hairy, and some are bald!
DuPh1: Some are bald, and some hairy!
Both: (Elated.) Some bald, some hairy. Some hairy, some bald! (They hug.)
DuPh2: (Worried.) But which are the bald ones?
DuPh1: And which are the hairy? I'll go and check which heads are hairy!
DuPh2: And I'll check the bald.
(They each go the opposite end, and start classifying ‘Bald, bald, bald …’ and ‘Hairy, hairy, hairy’, until they meet somewhere in the middle, pointing to the same head (head 1), one calling it bald and the other hairy.)
DuPh1: No, my friend, I beg to disagree. This head is like that one (2), and that one is hairy.
DuPh2: No no, I must object. It is like this one (3), which is bald.
DuPh1: But if that one (3) is like this one (1), and this one (1) is like this one (2), which is hairy, so that one (3) is also hairy!
DuPh2: But that's impossible! Because this one (3) is like this one (4), which is bald, so that one (2) is also bald!
DuPh1: But it (2) is like this one (5), which is hairy!
DuPh2: No. They are all bald. All bald. I'll prove it to you. (He runs to the bald end.) This one is bald. So this one is also bald. So this one is also bald. (Runs over all the row, pointing and saying ‘bald’ of each, until he gets to the other end, where he announces ‘bald’ and stops triumphant.)
(In the next two paragraphs each is talking to himself.)
DuPh1: No, it can't be true, it can't be true. Someone must be the last bald head. I'll find him! (He starts running right and left around the middle of the row, deciding ‘It's this one!’ but then recanting ‘No, it can't be. If it's bald then so is this one, so it's not the last one’, and similar thing: the details are left for the imaginative actor.)
DuPh2: (Still at the hairy end.) But hang on. This one isn't bald. So this one isn't either. (He runs back, now announcing ‘Not bald’, and concluding that the leftmost one isn't bald. But then again, he claims that it is actually bald and runs back, etc.)
(Both talk together.)
DuPh1: (Concluding in despair): It's awful. Someone is the last bald one, but you can't know which. You just can't say which one is the last bald head, you just can't say it. (He puts his hands to his mouth, and continues to mumble through them, shaking his head.)
DuPh2: (Also concluding in despair): It's horrible. They are all bald, but none is bald. Each head is both bald and not bald… What an unbearable sight! I don't want to see this logical monstrosity, I don't want to see it no more … (He puts his hands to his eyes and continues to mumble.)
(They both stumble towards Eph and sit crossed-legged to his sides. All three mumble indistinctly.)
The Head Chorus: (They recite the following sentences, which should initially sound as if they are read, first all heads together with short pauses between sentences, then some heads this sentence, others that, yet others another one, gradually faster and louder, shouting only truncated clauses of the sentences, with one group beginning before the others have finished, until all are shouting together in complete chaos.)
Philosophy has only just very recently struggled out of its early stage into maturity.
Philosophers today have an enhanced ability to determine whether arguments are valid.
Philosophy has never been done for an extended period according to standards as high as those already available.
Things are looking up a little, in the 21st century.
(The cacophony ends with an orchestral chord, like the one ending the Beatles' ‘A Day in the Life’; with it, Curtain.)
