The importance of belonging

The pioneering cardiologist, Dean Ornish, poignantly declared that “Our survival depends on the healing power of love, intimacy, and relationships. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. As individuals. As communities. As a culture. Perhaps even as a species” (Reference Ornish1998, p. 1). We see the need for community in all aspects of our lives, even when observing basic animal behavior. When you see a herd of deer running, you will know that there will always be one who runs slower. It is he who will become lunch for the waiting lions. Loneliness works in a similar fashion, as its presence signals a warning to us, humans, that we too are getting away from the community and our well-being. Social connections can not only affect the quality of our life, but also the length of it as well. Humans are “programmed” to form and keep lasting significant and positive relationships. Failure to have those belonging needs met would quite certainly lead to feelings of social isolation and loneliness. The literature on belonging highlights that what matters is the quality of those relationships which we have rather than their quantity, since it is responsible for creating a positive relational context which will satisfy the need to belong (Distel et al., Reference Distel, Rebollo – Mesa, Abdellaoui, Derom, Willemsen, Cacioppo and Boomsma2010). Devoldre and colleagues (Reference Devoldre, David, Verhofstadt, Buysse and Rokach2017) indicated that social support and belonging are crucial to our survival, and when they are lacking, there is evidence of stresses and negative effects on our mental and physical health (see also Rook and Charles, Reference Rook and Charles2017). Mellor et al. (Reference Mellor, Stokes, Firth, Hayashi and Cummins2008) asserted that “…as social beings, most humans live in a matrix of relationships that, to a large extent, define their identity (I am a daughter, wife, mother, student, etc.), and our personality (I am extraverted, friendly, and kind). Moreover, the importance of such connections transcends cultural differences… Given such dependency on relationships with others, it is not surprising that factors such as belongingness and loneliness are important predictors of psychological health” (p. 213).

Belonging during COVID-19

We are in the midst of a global pandemic, COVID-19. It is quite amazing. Up to a year ago loneliness was a foreign, taboo subject which was stigmatized for its negative connotations. Those who were lonely, whether temporarily or continuously, did not dare to discuss it out loud. Paraphrasing Gordon (Reference Gordon1976) sheds light on it. “If I am lonely, that means that no one wants to be close to me. Consequently, I conclude that I am not good enough. And in our couple culture, which adores successful people, I feel like a failure and am probably seen like that by others. Not wanting to let others know of my shortcomings, I will, therefore, shut up so others do not see what a loser I am”. Hence, loneliness has become deeply stigmatized and people simply do not talk about it. It took the COVID-19 pandemic, with its quarantines and directives at physical distancing, to let the horse out of the stable. Amazingly, loneliness has now become a “hot” topic, a common complaint related to the pandemic, and something that people openly discuss and wish to change. People’s openness about loneliness during the pandemic is related to being able to, now, openly admit to being lonely without having to be burdened with others’ perception of being possibly unlovable, and unworthy of friends, all of which has a significant influence on one’s self-esteem and self-worth (Ellis et al., Reference Ellis, Dumas and Forbes2020; Joiner et al., Reference Joiner, Lieberman, Stanley and Reger2020; Moran, Reference Moran2020).

So, what is loneliness?

In general, it is accepted that being alone, feeling alone, perceiving oneself as unloved, unimportant, and uncared for, will result in an experience we entitle loneliness. Exploring the field of loneliness, several themes can be pointed out:

1. a. Loneliness is an experience of separation.

2. b. It may be a reaction to life circumstances, but alternatively arise at birth or in childhood and remain throughout one’s life.

3. c. It is difficult to tolerate.

4. d. It may motivate humans to seek meaning and connection or succumb to hopelessness.

5. e. It may have an evolutionary basis, and

6. f. It signals the potential for growth and new possibilities. (see Rokach, Reference Rokach2019)

Based on my (A.R.) own research of the past four decades, we see three distinguishing characteristics of all experiences of loneliness:

1. 1. Loneliness is a universal phenomenon, which is fundamental to being human.

2. 2. Although shared by all of us periodically, loneliness is in essence a subjective experience that is influenced by personal and situational variables.

3. 3. Loneliness, which is a complex and multifaceted experience, is always very painful, severely distressing, and individualistic. (Rokach, Reference Rokach1988, Reference Rokach2019)

Solitude

As was mentioned earlier, being by oneself may be experienced as loneliness, or alternatively, may be experienced, as Ost-Mor et al. (Reference Ost-Mor, Palgi and Segel-Karpas2020) refers to as solitude.

Daydreaming, self-reflection, reliving past memories, or planning an upcoming trip are all examples of aloneness that is unrelated to the presence of others and is not loneliness. Cacioppo et al. (Reference Cacioppo, Hawkley and Thisted2010) captured the difference between loneliness and solitude. They observed that “…the word solitude expresses the glory of being alone, whereas the word loneliness expresses the pain of feeling alone” (p. 453). Although it is commonly accepted that loneliness and solitude are two separate constructs, it is noted that solitude, not loneliness, provides people with opportunities for self-exploration and creativity (see Long and Averill, Reference Long and Averill2003). We believe that what is referred to as long-termed “negative solitude” is but a different term for loneliness and does not truly describe the term “solitude.” What determines how we feel is not the situation we are in, but rather our construction and interpretation of that experience. No doubt, if we are alone but crave human connection and belonging, we will feel lonely. However, being alone when we want and need to be by ourselves is what constitutes solitude. When we need time for ourselves, wanting to get away from the constant bombardment of daily responsibilities, chores, demands, stimuli, and hassles, we find great pleasure and fulfillment in solitude (see also Cacioppo and Patrick, Reference Cacioppo and Patrick2008). Ost-Mor et al. (Reference Ost-Mor, Palgi and Segel-Karpas2020) addressed the solitude of older adults, which unlike the public’s impression, are not necessarily lonely, but are wisely utilizing their alone time for introspection, self-regulation, and developing their creativity. Theologian Paul Tillich noted, “Loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude” (in Rubenstein and Shaver, Reference Rubenstein, Shaver, Peplau and Perlman1982, p. 14). And indeed, solitude can be enjoyed only by those who do not perceive loneliness whenever they are alone, but if their aloneness is chosen, or if not, they embrace it, and when welcomed, they can greatly benefit from it. Silence, and solitude, lie in the heart of all the great spiritual traditions, Zen, Buddhism are but two noted examples, and it serves as our vehicle to gain a better and deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us (Parse, Reference Parse2007).

The elderly

Rook and Charles (Reference Rook and Charles2017) indicated that “…the world is aging at an unprecedented rate, with older adults representing the fastest growing segment of the population in most economically developed and developing countries” (p. 567), and while research indicates that those 80 or younger experience loneliness at the same rate as the general population, about half of those 80 and older are, indeed, lonelier (Cohen-Mansfield et al., Reference Cohen-Mansfield, Hazan, Lerman and Shalom2016). Among the contributing factors to elderly loneliness, we can count declining health, possible cognitive changes, changes related to retirement and lifestyle, death of a spouse, and various other significant losses as factors, which may lead to loneliness and social isolation (Rokach et al., Reference Rokach, Matalon, SaFarov and Bercovitch2007).

Research has indicated that the very old face social isolation, meaning being or living alone (Hawkley and Cacioppo, Reference Hawkley and Cacioppo2007). The increase in life expectancy that we witness in the Western culture, where life expectancy increases steadily, also exposes them to disabilities, death of one’s peers, and increases the risks for shrinking social networks and experiencing loneliness. This is where the research by Ost-Mor et al. (Reference Ost-Mor, Palgi and Segel-Karpas2020) makes a worthwhile contribution. In addressing the aloneness of the elderly, which may be transformed by them into (positive) solitude, Ost-Mor et al. (Reference Ost-Mor, Palgi and Segel-Karpas2020) poignantly highlighted the need for professional and nonprofessional caregivers to understand what is going on, not only physically but emotionally as well, with the elderly by being open to change their preconceived ideas about old age, and how they can wisely cope with conditions that may be daunting for younger people, like loneliness.