Kruglanski et al. propose that merit and appreciation are the two main drivers for love and are of equal importance. We argue that their relative weight is not a fixed characteristic but varies systematically by gender, changes with age, and evolves over the course of a relationship. Specifically, we argue that (1) appreciation matters more for falling in love for men than for women; (2) merit is more central for young, and appreciation for older adults; and (3) both merit and appreciation matter for falling in love, yet appreciation is key to relationship maintenance. Our commentary extends the authors’ perspective by integrating empirical findings that support a dynamic interplay of merit and appreciation.

To begin with the role of gender, there is growing evidence that men are more prone to fall in love than women. Research consistently shows that compared to heterosexual women, heterosexual men are more likely to experience love at first sight and tend to fall in love faster and more frequently (Bode, Luoto, & Kavanagh, Reference Bode, Luoto and Kavanagh2025; for an overview, see Wahring, Simpson, & van Lange, Reference Wahring, Simpson and Van Lange2024). As a result, men are more likely to experience unreciprocated love (Cruces, Hawrylak, & Delegido, Reference Cruces, Hawrylak and Delegido2015; Galperin & Haselton, Reference Galperin and Haselton2010). Within the framework proposed by Kruglanski et al., we suggest that these gender differences stem from men’s greater reliance on appreciation within romantic relationships. A central component of appreciation is the reception of emotional support, defined as “intimacy and attachment, reassurance, and being able to confide in and rely on one another – all of which contribute to the feeling that one is loved or cared about” (p. 385, Schaefer, Coyne, & Lazarus, Reference Schaefer, Coyne and Lazarus1981). Compared to women, men receive less emotional support from friends and family (Dykstra & Fokkema, Reference Dykstra and Fokkema2007; Galambos et al., Reference Galambos, Fang, Horne, Johnson and Krahn2018) and therefore are more likely to see their romantic partners as their primary confidants (Liao et al., Reference Liao, McMunn, Mejía and Brunner2018; Umberson et al., Reference Umberson, Chen, House, Hopkins and Slaten1996). This relative scarcity of appreciation from other social ties may amplify men’s social significance quest and increase their susceptibility to falling in love. In contrast, women’s broader support networks may render them less reliant on appreciation from romantic partners alone (Wahring et al., Reference Wahring, Simpson and Van Lange2024).

Regarding age, research on falling in love typically focuses on adolescents and young adults, yet this experience remains relevant for many middle-aged and older adults as well (Huyck, Reference Huyck2020). Socioemotional selectivity theory (Carstensen, Reference Carstensen2006) provides a framework for understanding how age-related shifts in future time perspective influence partner selection priorities. Younger adults, who typically view their future as expansive, prioritize knowledge-related goals – such as acquiring new information, advancing their careers, and investing in long-term opportunities (Bühler et al., Reference Bühler, Weidmann, Nikitin and Grob2019; Hutteman et al., Reference Hutteman, Hennecke, Orth, Reitz and Specht2014). To achieve those goals, the merit of potential partners, including their power, wealth, and status, can be instrumental. It thus stands to reason that a potential partner’s merit is also a decisive factor for the love formation of younger adults. Indeed, younger adults tend to rate traits associated with merit, such as intelligence, ambition, or social status, as nearly as important in a partner as warmth and kindness, which reflect appreciation (Sprecher & Regan, Reference Sprecher and Regan2002). In contrast, with increasing age and a more limited future time perspective, individuals prioritize emotion-related goals, such as emotion regulation and emotionally fulfilling social interactions (Charles & Carstensen, Reference Charles, Carstensen, Gross and Ford2024; Nikitin et al., Reference Nikitin, Luchetti, Alimanovic, Rupprecht and Sutin2024). To achieve these goals, a partner’s appreciation – manifested through affection, positive regard, and responsiveness – becomes more critical and thus presumably is more decisive for older adults when falling in love. Accordingly, research has shown that targets displaying communal traits such as softheartedness and cheerfulness are perceived as more attractive by older than by younger adults (Brumbaugh & Wood, Reference Brumbaugh and Wood2013). Likewise, online dating profiles of older adults tend to highlight preferences related to appreciation, such as companionship, kindness, and compassion (Watson & Stelle, Reference Watson and Stelle2021). In sum, merit may play a more central role in younger adults’ experience of falling in love, whereas appreciation is supposedly more important for older adults.

For the course of relationships, we agree with Kruglanski et al. that merit and appreciation contribute equally to falling in love. However, we argue that relationship maintenance relies predominantly on appreciation. Both cross-sectional and longitudinal studies show that perceived relationship quality is more strongly associated with relationship attributes, such as perceived partner commitment, than with individual traits of either partner (Joel et al., Reference Joel, Eastwick, Allison, Arriaga, Baker, Bar-Kalifa, Bergeron, Birnbaum, Brock, Brumbaugh, Carmichael, Chen, Clarke, Cobb, Coolsen, Davis, de Jong, Debrot, DeHaas and Wolf2020). When asked about reasons to stay in or leave their ongoing relationships, people tend to mention reasons related to appreciation (e.g., emotional intimacy, breach of trust) more often than reasons related to merit (e.g., partner’s social status or personality; Joel, MacDonald, & Page-Gould, Reference Joel, MacDonald and Page-Gould2018). In open narratives on why their romantic relationships ended, people tend to mention aspects of appreciation, such as loss of emotional connection, most often, and aspects of merit, such as undesirable traits, far less frequently (Norona, Olmstead, & Welsh, Reference Norona, Olmstead and Welsh2017). Finally, longitudinal research demonstrates that both interpersonal factors, such as commitment, emotional support, and responsiveness (appreciation), and partner characteristics, such as wealth and status (merit), are associated with relationship dissolution, but interpersonal factors are typically more decisive (Gottman, Reference Gottman1994; Le et al., Reference Le, Dove, Agnew, Korn and Mutso2010). Together, these findings suggest that merit and appreciation are equally relevant for romantic attraction, yet appreciation is more crucial in sustaining long-term romantic relationships.

In sum, our commentary highlights that the relative importance of merit and appreciation in love is not fixed but shaped by social, developmental, and relational contexts. Building on this dynamic perspective, future research could also explore additional factors beyond merit and appreciation that influence love.