According to Kruglanski and colleagues, love is not a mystery. It follows a formula. Individuals are most likely to fall for those who support their sense of significance. This can occur either because the target of love has qualities the agent admires (i.e., the target has merit) or because the target makes the agent feel personally valued (i.e., the target appreciates the agent). Moreover, when agents experience an intensified need for significance, they become even more drawn to the target’s sparkle, or to how brightly the target perceives the agent to shine.
The idea that individuals seek relationship partners who support their personal goals is both intuitive and empirically supported. Among the goals that relationship partners support, the quest for significance is particularly fundamental. People wish to feel that they matter. Further, the quest for significance intensifies when unfulfilled, rather than diminishes. While some goals, such as the desire to visit the Himalayas or purchase the latest fashion, may weaken over time if unmet, often leading to substitution, significance is resistant to such replacement. Its persistence and non-substitutability are key reasons it is considered a basic psychological need (Kruglanski et al., Reference Kruglanski, Molinario, Jasko, Webber, Leander and Pierro2022).
However, my analysis diverges from Kruglanski et al. in two important respects. First, I argue that the quest for significance is not categorically distinct from other goals. Rather than holding a unique status, it serves as a particularly salient example of a broader principle: relationship formation is guided by goal support. Romantically or otherwise, individuals are drawn to others who help them pursue and fulfill their active goals.
Second, I challenge the premise that romantic love is psychologically distinct in how it is guided by the quest for goal support. Romantic relationships are certainly special. They are often intense and involve sexual attraction. However, in terms of seeking goal support, the underlying mechanisms that govern romantic love are not fundamentally different from those that drive non-romantic relationships between any loving individuals. People form enduring connections with family members, friends, neighbors, and colleagues based on similar dynamics of seeking and providing goal support.
Beyond significance
Relationships are based on goal support. At times, individuals mainly seek support. The “empty vessel” metaphor captures this relationship dynamic (Schroeder & Fishbach, Reference Schroeder and Fishbach2015). People may look for someone who knows their feelings, preferences, and goals while caring too little about knowing that person. In extreme cases, people objectify others, seeing them as merely a tool for helping them satisfy their sexual, professional, and other goals (Fredrickson & Roberts, Reference Fredrickson and Roberts1997; Gruenfeld et al., Reference Gruenfeld, Inesi, Magee and Galinsky2008).
Other times, people seek and provide goal support. We recently assessed the relative importance of two forms of subjective relationship knowledge: feeling known by a partner versus feeling that one knows the partner (Schroeder & Fishbach, Reference Schroeder and Fishbach2024). Both predict relationship satisfaction. If the agent is known by a target, the agent should expect to receive goal support. If the agent knows the target, the agent can provide goal support. Across various types of relationships, including familial, romantic, and friendships, we found that while both matter, feeling known is a stronger and more consistent predictor of relationship satisfaction than felt knowing. Most relationships are characterized by a quest to feel known and, hence, receive goal support, and this principle extends to the many goals people hold.
For example, in one study, participants felt more satisfied in their non-romantic relationships when their partners knew them better. Knowing their non-romantic partners’ goals mattered less. The effect of feeling known on relationship satisfaction was driven by seeking support for various goals, and not limited to the quest for significance, just as much as it was not limited to romantic relationships.
Zooming in on romantic relationships, in another study, we invited participants to create dating profiles. Writers tended to express a stronger desire to be known by a future partner than a desire to know that partner. This is despite the fact that the readers of profiles were more attracted to people who wanted to know them. Readers, too, sought goal support. Importantly, these results are completely congruent with Kruglanski et al.’s basic assumption, except that seeking motivational support went beyond the quest for significance.
Beyond romantic relationships
As alluded to above, we found that people seek support across goals and relationships. Possibly, the best evidence that the quest for significance in romantic relationships illustrates a broader principle comes from parents’ relationships with their newborns. A newborn cannot support their parents’ need for significance by demonstrating special abilities (merit) or by acknowledging the parents’ abilities (appreciation). Yet, the bonding between a parent and their newborn is often experienced as an extreme form of love. Likely, this bond serves other fundamental goals, such as transferring one’s essence to the next generations.
Are romantic relationships the greatest love of all? In preparing this commentary, I asked married parents to reflect on their most powerful falling-in-love experience. Strikingly, many selected the bond formed with their newborn child. Specifically, I asked 148 Prolific participants who are married and have at least one child (age: M = 44.30; SD = 12.18; 37% female), “With whom did you have the most powerful falling-in-love experience of your life?” While 70% chose “My romantic partner,” 25% chose “My child,” and 5% chose “Someone else.”Footnote 1
These responses suggest that although romantic love is the strongest for many, it is not uniquely powerful. Romantic relationships further do not differ categorically in function from other close bonds when it comes to supporting core psychological goals, just as the need for significance is not the only goal people seek to satisfy in their relationships.
In closing, while Kruglanski et al. have painted an accurate and important picture of what drives romantic love, the aim of this commentary is to position that picture within a larger motivational canvas: one that reveals how the quest for significance fits alongside other fundamental goals in shaping relationship dynamics including but also going beyond romantic love.
Arie W. Kruglanski
[Opens in a new window]Arie W. Kruglanski
, Edward P. Lemay
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According to Kruglanski and colleagues, love is not a mystery. It follows a formula. Individuals are most likely to fall for those who support their sense of significance. This can occur either because the target of love has qualities the agent admires (i.e., the target has merit) or because the target makes the agent feel personally valued (i.e., the target appreciates the agent). Moreover, when agents experience an intensified need for significance, they become even more drawn to the target’s sparkle, or to how brightly the target perceives the agent to shine.
The idea that individuals seek relationship partners who support their personal goals is both intuitive and empirically supported. Among the goals that relationship partners support, the quest for significance is particularly fundamental. People wish to feel that they matter. Further, the quest for significance intensifies when unfulfilled, rather than diminishes. While some goals, such as the desire to visit the Himalayas or purchase the latest fashion, may weaken over time if unmet, often leading to substitution, significance is resistant to such replacement. Its persistence and non-substitutability are key reasons it is considered a basic psychological need (Kruglanski et al., Reference Kruglanski, Molinario, Jasko, Webber, Leander and Pierro2022).
However, my analysis diverges from Kruglanski et al. in two important respects. First, I argue that the quest for significance is not categorically distinct from other goals. Rather than holding a unique status, it serves as a particularly salient example of a broader principle: relationship formation is guided by goal support. Romantically or otherwise, individuals are drawn to others who help them pursue and fulfill their active goals.
Second, I challenge the premise that romantic love is psychologically distinct in how it is guided by the quest for goal support. Romantic relationships are certainly special. They are often intense and involve sexual attraction. However, in terms of seeking goal support, the underlying mechanisms that govern romantic love are not fundamentally different from those that drive non-romantic relationships between any loving individuals. People form enduring connections with family members, friends, neighbors, and colleagues based on similar dynamics of seeking and providing goal support.
Beyond significance
Relationships are based on goal support. At times, individuals mainly seek support. The “empty vessel” metaphor captures this relationship dynamic (Schroeder & Fishbach, Reference Schroeder and Fishbach2015). People may look for someone who knows their feelings, preferences, and goals while caring too little about knowing that person. In extreme cases, people objectify others, seeing them as merely a tool for helping them satisfy their sexual, professional, and other goals (Fredrickson & Roberts, Reference Fredrickson and Roberts1997; Gruenfeld et al., Reference Gruenfeld, Inesi, Magee and Galinsky2008).
Other times, people seek and provide goal support. We recently assessed the relative importance of two forms of subjective relationship knowledge: feeling known by a partner versus feeling that one knows the partner (Schroeder & Fishbach, Reference Schroeder and Fishbach2024). Both predict relationship satisfaction. If the agent is known by a target, the agent should expect to receive goal support. If the agent knows the target, the agent can provide goal support. Across various types of relationships, including familial, romantic, and friendships, we found that while both matter, feeling known is a stronger and more consistent predictor of relationship satisfaction than felt knowing. Most relationships are characterized by a quest to feel known and, hence, receive goal support, and this principle extends to the many goals people hold.
For example, in one study, participants felt more satisfied in their non-romantic relationships when their partners knew them better. Knowing their non-romantic partners’ goals mattered less. The effect of feeling known on relationship satisfaction was driven by seeking support for various goals, and not limited to the quest for significance, just as much as it was not limited to romantic relationships.
Zooming in on romantic relationships, in another study, we invited participants to create dating profiles. Writers tended to express a stronger desire to be known by a future partner than a desire to know that partner. This is despite the fact that the readers of profiles were more attracted to people who wanted to know them. Readers, too, sought goal support. Importantly, these results are completely congruent with Kruglanski et al.’s basic assumption, except that seeking motivational support went beyond the quest for significance.
Beyond romantic relationships
As alluded to above, we found that people seek support across goals and relationships. Possibly, the best evidence that the quest for significance in romantic relationships illustrates a broader principle comes from parents’ relationships with their newborns. A newborn cannot support their parents’ need for significance by demonstrating special abilities (merit) or by acknowledging the parents’ abilities (appreciation). Yet, the bonding between a parent and their newborn is often experienced as an extreme form of love. Likely, this bond serves other fundamental goals, such as transferring one’s essence to the next generations.
Are romantic relationships the greatest love of all? In preparing this commentary, I asked married parents to reflect on their most powerful falling-in-love experience. Strikingly, many selected the bond formed with their newborn child. Specifically, I asked 148 Prolific participants who are married and have at least one child (age: M = 44.30; SD = 12.18; 37% female), “With whom did you have the most powerful falling-in-love experience of your life?” While 70% chose “My romantic partner,” 25% chose “My child,” and 5% chose “Someone else.”Footnote 1 These responses suggest that although romantic love is the strongest for many, it is not uniquely powerful. Romantic relationships further do not differ categorically in function from other close bonds when it comes to supporting core psychological goals, just as the need for significance is not the only goal people seek to satisfy in their relationships.
In closing, while Kruglanski et al. have painted an accurate and important picture of what drives romantic love, the aim of this commentary is to position that picture within a larger motivational canvas: one that reveals how the quest for significance fits alongside other fundamental goals in shaping relationship dynamics including but also going beyond romantic love.
Financial support
This work was supported by the University of Chicago, Booth School of Business.
Competing interests
None.